Yes, the time has come. World, Lance. Lance, World.
Lance Manly started as a nickname, created by a cousin of mine. It has grown into a character separate from the original nickname bearer, at least to some. Lance has his own persona, now, and it is ready for prime time. Your introduction to Lance is going to come in the form of what I hope is the first of the many occasional updates to the Lance Manly Hall of Fame. To make your way into the Lance Manly H.o.F., you have to show those certain qualities that really set you apart from the pack.
This is not supposed to be the ultimate list of manliness, just a list of the guys who get Lance’s stamp of approval.
I’m going to try to leave out personal acquaintances who have made it (other than the first two inductees), for privacy’s sake. So you won’t be seeing the Nerf Gun Pen Award winner, or the Brother Award winner, or the “Hitch Manly” Award winner, or the “Manly Divided by Zero” Award winner, or anything of the like.
Without further ado, the inaugural class of the Lance Manly Hall of Fame:
The Namesake: ’nuff said.
The Strength in Numbers Award: To the Morris Hall boxer runners. Sorry, John C. Wengatz, but your task on boxer run night doesn’t take anything special. Running around campus and being pelted with snowballs and tackled by fully clothed Wengatz guys, though? Freezing your extremities off? All voluntarily? Lance approves. All former and future Morris boxer runners, please cross the platform to accept your plaque as a member of the LMHoF.
The Big Philanthropist Award: Goes to Shaquille O’Neal. On top of being a poor rapper, a poor actor, and one of the best basketball players of this (or any) era, Shaq’s a good guy. This summer’s goofiest and most touching TV show had to be “Shaq’s Big Challenge,” in which the Big Aristotle helped a bunch of morbidly obease Miami schoolchildren lose weight, and that’s just scratching the surface of Shaq’s community work.
Cancer-beating Manly Award: Having beat cancer himself, the Namesake loves seeing others make it through. This award and induction is dedicated to all cancer survivors, male or female. You are represented in the Hall by Lance Armstrong and David Letterman, for their cancer-beating AND for making it on other merits: Armstrong for sticking it to the cheaters in the Tour de France, and Letterman for being the best late night host for who knows how long. He likes good music, is legitimately funny (unlike Leno), and has the goofiest segments…I mean, he might deserve his own post some time.
Making Things Happen Manly Award: Goes to Bono, for giving a voice to those who usually don’t have one, and for using his position as a pop star for good.
The Most Surprisingly Manly Award: Goes to two inductees, for their musical prowess, and other skills: John Mayer and Justin Timberlake. I’m not even kidding, guys, you deserve it.
Lifetime Achievement Manly Award: For Bob Barker. Remember, help control the pet population, have your pets spayed or neutered.
Most Overstated Manliness Award: To Chuck Norris. It’s not that you aren’t manly, Chuck, it’s just that you don’t deserve all that manly cred.
Rebel With a Cause Manly Award: To the Founding Fathers, who are not here in person to give their acceptance speech.
iUnderdog iManly Award: To Steve Jobs, for ironically sticking it to The Man.
Outside the Box Manly Award: Not at all to be confused with Most Surprising, this one goes to Stephen Levitt. You have to understand, I’m an Economics major. I enjoyed “Freakonomics” more than most. It was a feat of manliness.
Give it up for the inaugural class of induction into the Lance Manly Hall of Fame!! We really appreciate your feats of Manliness, gentlemen, and are accepting applications for our next class starting…now.
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